How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Reaver
by Deionarra
Summary: Soul Reaver 2! Comedy! Betrayal! Revenge! Tickets only $480948908358!
1. Chapter 1

*AUTHOR'S INSERT*  
  
Yah, I know I shouldn't be writing this. Scattered Ashes is waiting! Eyyargh! But, but I just finished Soul Reaver 2... I couldn't help myself... *sob* I don't own Raziel & co. or any of the scattered pop culture references you may find herein. I am not responsible for any headaches and/or instances of nausea you may feel after reading this fic.   
  
Note: All negative side-effects may be counteracted by pressing the review button at the bottom.  
  
*/AI*  
  
Soul Reaver 2. Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Reaver.  
  
*A sequel belated beyond time. A mix of plot twists beyond belief.*  
  
(Raziel enters the Chronoplast chamber, a big room with lots of moving objects. Conveniently, he walks in without ever shifting his eyes from looking straight ahead.)  
  
Kain: Five minutes and twenty two seconds, Raziel. That's your longest time since the 2394802397521st cycle. (Moving his claws with every syllable) Tell me- did it trouble you to murder your brothers?  
  
Raziel: Does it trouble you when you make such extravagant and pointless gestures?  
  
Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel. Knowledge is inherent in man; no knowledge comes from outside; it is all inside.   
We say Newton discovered gravitation. Was it sitting anywhere waiting for him? It was in his own mind; the time came and he found it out.   
  
(Meanwhile, Raziel is perfecting his squinting skills.)  
  
Kain: -whatever man does, he does necessarily, though not with any sensible compulsion, and he can only do what God from eternity willed and foreknew he should-  
  
Raziel: I think my eyebrows are congealing.  
  
Kain: By free choice in this place we mean a power of the human will by which a man can apply himself to the things which lead to eternal salvation-  
  
Raziel: Look, it's John Calvin!  
  
Kain: -of which there is a necessary and vital measure-  
  
Raziel: Er... I have been to the tomb of Sarafan!   
  
Kain: ...the tomb of Sarafan? Such wretched grammar. 'Me fail English? That's unpossible!'  
  
Raziel: Quiet you, you know I have mad grammar skillz... because of you! How could you profane a man with normal speech patterns by turning him into a melodramatic Shakespearean-wannabe with an inability to use monosyllables?!  
  
(Raziel attacks. Kain bats his eyelashes, distracting our hero long enough to grab him below his upper jaw.)  
  
Kain: How could I not? A man may keep his friends close, Raziel, but he keeps his dictionary... even closer.  
  
(He throws Raziel to the floor, who bounces like a ball of tinfoil.)  
  
Raziel: The Sarafan were Jesus-freaks, defending Nosgoth from the functioning mental faculties that we represent. My eyes are opened, Kain- I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced-  
  
Kain: It's called Mynol, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Kain: You've been standing there bent over for about twenty syllables now. Is it that time again?  
  
Raziel: No! I'm being threatening!  
  
Kain: Ha ha ha! That's a good one! You nearly had me! But no... Mynol is not the answer. This is not how the cramps end. Fate promises more twists before this drama unfolds completely. Allow me to show you this new box of-  
  
(Kain turns with arms wide but finds, to his horror, that he's facing the time portal he forgot to shut off.)  
  
Kain: Wha? Aaaayyaaaarrgh!  
  
(Kain goes poof.)  
  
Raziel: Wait- box of what? Get back here!  
  
(Raziel runs up the stairs but pauses thoughtfully at the time portal.)  
  
Raziel: Hm. I feel a sudden urge to change the first game's mythos.  
  
(He activates the Soul Reaver and leaps after Kain.)  
  
(The scene changes, and Raziel finds himself standing in the middle of a desert with a small berry bush growing nearby. A crowd of people dressed Jesus-style stand nearby.)  
  
Man #1: It's the messiah!  
  
Raziel: Huh? What? I'm not the messiah!  
  
Woman: Only the messiah would deny his divinity.  
  
Raziel: Er... alright, I AM the messiah!  
  
Crowd: HE IS THE MESSIAH!  
  
Raziel: Brother. Can't a guy get enough of quasi-philosophical people who don't make sense? PISS OFF!  
  
Man #2: Where shall we piss off to, oh Lord?  
  
(An audible groaning fills the air as history realizes its error. Raziel disappears in a cloud of fairy dust.)  
  
Man #3: The messiah has been taken up to heaven!  
  
Man #4: No, fool, YOU have failed him with your petty mortal question!  
  
Man #2: Nonsense! He has gone that the weak and doubting may leave and be weeded out!  
  
Man #5: But look... he left behind...  
  
(The crowd draws near with looks of awe to get a better look at Raz's footprint.)  
  
Man #2: ...a symbol of his blessing!  
  
Man #4: ...a curse upon the deluded!  
  
Man #6: No, my dear friends- it is a divine message! A revelation of the afterlife revealed in all its glorious simplicity. Let us be blue, like him! (Cheers) Let us be free of false coverings...ah, to our true soul, like him! (More cheers) Let us lose all that may hinder us in our cerebral calling, like him!  
  
Man #7: Wait... he doesn't mean-  
  
Man #8: He couldn't mean-  
  
Man #3.14: Why would he mean-  
  
Man #6: Of COURSE I mean losing your-  
  
(Scene abruptly changes to Moebius talking into a headset.)  
  
Moebius: Johnson! Are you there? Yes... yes, you misdelivered one of my packages aGAIN. No! No, it's not a gorgeous time-streaming redhead with long legs and size... Wh-what number was that? Oh. My. Well. Actually...  
  
(Raziel tumbles into the time-streaming chamber in an undignified heap.)  
  
Moebius: Oh, wait, it just arrived. No, not the redhead. Yes. Yes. Uh huh. Sounds good, talk to you later. (Headset dissolves into thin air) Raziel! Redeemer and destroy-  
  
Raziel: If you call me a messiah, I'm ripping your arm off.  
  
Moebius: Ah... right. Of course you aren't a messiah. What a silly thought. Now then, insignificant soul that I have no ulterior motive in bringing here- welcome to your destiny! Would you care for a free color brochure?  
  
Raziel: This is going to be a very long day... 


	2. Chapter 2

*AUTHOR'S INSERT*  
  
Hey hey, people actually like this! *doffs hat to reviewers* Thank you kindly!  
  
*/AI*  
  
Chapter 2  
  
(We return to find the FMV over and the characters depicted in all their polygonal glory.)  
  
Moebius: Now about those brochures?  
  
Raziel: (Peeking at the massive Tourist Information Desk behind him) Impaling for Dummies... The Anarchist's Tinker Toys Set... Washington Irving's Guide to Being a Time-Streaming Git... and they're all defiled by bright pink Post It notes! I'll teach you to defile books with girly colors! (Raises the Reaver. Reaver turns into soda and splashes to the floor.) What? Damn you Coca Cola sponsors!  
  
Moebius: Oh no. That's the effects of my handy vampire-incapacitating orb. Isn't that funny?  
  
Raziel: A tour guide with a vampire-incapacitating orb who explains its abilities to everyone that passes through? Grrr. I should kill you where you stand.   
  
Moebius: Very true.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Moebius: Well, I know I'm going to mess up Nosgoth, you know I'm going to mess up Nosgoth, and it would make your life a lot easier if you killed me. But, you know, you don't.  
  
Raziel: Why?  
  
Moebius: Because I just said you don't.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
Reaver: (Inside the orb) 'Ey mate! Get yer knickahs outta yer arse and come 'elp me out here, 'ey?  
  
Moebius: (To orb) You're not *wearing* any knickers, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: ...Are you trying to seduce me?  
  
Moebius: Oh no, I had my fill of that in college. We used to stay up all night talking, sharing...  
  
Reaver: Don't ye listen to 'im, mate! 'E dated our pet llama behind our back!  
  
Moebius: Um... do you like my talking orb?  
  
Raziel: Eh. I never went for educational toys.  
  
Moebius: What? Raised without Phonics and the Reading Rainbow? It grieves me to see how cruelly Kain has used you. (Wandering off to the next room) ...come on, trail after me! Trail dammit!  
  
Raziel: I can't move!  
  
Moebius: I know I'm stunning, Raziel, but-  
  
Raziel: No, I mean, my knees won't bend! Rrrrgh! (Demonstrates by staggering forward. His legs do indeed move only at the hip.) Your orb disabled my walking script!  
  
Moebius: But my back is turned to you and so your stagger seems perfectly normal. Tee hee!  
  
(Raziel lumbers after Moebius into the next room.)  
  
Raziel: (Pointing to a mural on the wall with a picture of a rabbit with walrus tusks) Why is a bunny on the wall?  
  
Moebius: A bunny?! Run away! Run away!  
  
Raziel: I meant the murals.  
  
Moebius: Er... that doesn't matter. Look, it's Vorador. Grr! Arrgh! Vorador!  
  
Raziel: Why is he holding a bouquet of roses?  
  
Moebius: That doesn't matter either. Rrr! Degenerate race! Rrah!  
  
Raziel: And why is the bunny sitting on top of a pile of corpses with a box of tissues in the background?  
  
Moebius: It made all the screens in the building play Robin Williams movies.  
  
Raziel: And you somehow survived this massacre?  
  
Moebius: I had the Holy Hand Grenade.  
  
Raziel: How convenient.  
  
Moebius: So! Let's go kill Kain.  
  
Raziel: I don't think a guy who likes pink is really cut out for this.  
  
Moebius: Yeah, well. (Waves staff and points to basin. Basin gives off pink smoke.) Look! Psychedelic water!  
  
Raziel: (Eyes half-closed) Whhoa... dude... it's like, Kain dude...  
  
Moebius: Yes! Kain! And where is he?  
  
Raziel: He's talking to this girl in the sky with diamonds and like, he's stabbing a pork roast with a steak knife but he just can't kill the beast... and like, he wants me to burn things...  
  
Moebius: He looks like he needs a good killing, doesn't he?  
  
Raziel: Nah, dude, he just wants to hold my hand and sing Kumbayah...  
  
Moebius: No, I think he looks like he needs a good killing.   
  
Raziel: Oh yeah...  
  
Moebius: You may never again be human, Raziel. But you can kill things that rob other humans of their precious bodily fluids. So! What do you say?  
  
Raziel: The world is on its side... we're rolling into a giant trashcan...  
  
Moebius: Great! So, ah, go through the castle killing all my guards and- I'll see you on the other side, yeah?  
  
Raziel: Noooo... don't jump, Willy... don't leave without me! (Plunges head into basin)  
  
Moebius: That's it Raziel! Show that rejected speech-writer who's boss! Ta ta.   
  
(Moebius goes poof. Raziel lifts his dripping head out of the water and sits on the ground.)  
  
Raziel: Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, the girl with kaleidoscope eyyyyes! (Passes out.) 


End file.
